Scripture: Matthew 15:5 – “But you say that whoever tells father or mother, ‘Whatever support you might have had from me is given to God,’ then that person need not honor the father.” (NRSVue)
I am very lucky insomuch as I have a good relationship with my teenage children. They very rarely talk back or roll their eyes at me, at least in front of me. This is a sign of saintly patience because I can be very annoying sometimes in my attempts to be silly and playful.
Of course, it is natural for children to bristle at their parents, whether it is angry words or active rebellion. And in recent years, these children often had the words of the fifth commandment shouted back at them: “Honor your father and your mother!” But this commandment is not about children disobeying their parents or being fresh to them.
Think about it: why would this commandment be one of the ten most important if it were only for children to follow? What the commandment is really about is how adult children treat their elderly parents. And this is not only listening to their wisdom but supporting them in their old age.
Even at the time of Jesus, this commandment was being forgotten. One day, a group of Pharisees and scribes came to Jesus to complain about how his disciples had broken the tradition of the elders by not washing their hands before they eat. Now, that is one of the many commandments in the Torah and is a very good idea, but it is a relatively small offence. Jesus snaps back at them, specifically about the commandment to honor ones’ parents. Apparently, the leaders of the Temple allowed people to dedicate goods to the temple as holy, not as a donation to the work of the Temple, but as a kind of tax-loophole that allowed them to get around other responsibilities, including taking care of their parents. Thus, a lesser commandment that benefited the powerful and shielded the wealthy and greedy was lifted above one of the Ten Commandments, a demand for love and justice and not legal protection.
Today, this can be a difficult commandment to follow. We no longer live in small villages or extended family groups. The burden of caring for parents often falls upon children scattered across the country, which means that usually one child has to do all the work. This leads to resentment. Also, as people live to be older and older, taking care of them becomes a full-time job; sometimes, more than that when they cannot be left alone, even at night. Without family and neighborhood support, nurses need to be paid to take care of the elder, which can further lead to stress and resentment.
How do we honor our parents in today’s world? I think part of it is seeing it as holy work. It needs to be recognized as sacred and not hidden as an embarrassment. We should find ways to share the burden, and this might mean reaching out to distant family or to one’s neighbors or churches. When viewed in this way, the commandment to honor one’s parents is not something for rebellious teens, but a cornerstone of family and even neighborly relations. For those of us who do support their parents, especially those pressed between caring for elderly parents and adult children, know that God is with us. And growing the virtue of care will help us all live stronger and happier lives.
Prayer: Lord, help me to honor those whose love allowed me to grow and whose wisdom allows me to thrive amid all the stresses of my life. Amen.
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